I have days where I'm really pissed off by this new course in my life, and some days when I'm saddened by it. I feel anxiety about my future in a way I never used to. It's not all smiley face stickers and thumbs up in my neck of the woods.
I used to be a creativity coach, and I guess I'm blessed with all of the lessons I've conveyed in that arena because they also apply here. People who are creative (in my case, I worked primarily with artists and writers) are constantly fielding rejection. Rejection sucks if you are a creative person funneling your entire identity into works of expression only to find out that someone else doesn't think they are good enough. That's like saying "you are not good enough."
If you've never created something, and then followed through like these people do--by asking someone to publish/produce/present it as part of a collaborative agent like a magazine, a performance or a galley--then you can't know just how shitty it feels for that collaborative agent to turn around and say, in effect, "You suck." And not just once in a lifetime, but many times a week for the more active and prolific creatives among us.
I have been rejected countless times. Probably in the thousands by now. I still write, and I still make stuff, and I still believe in myself. And I still get rejected. But I've been doing this for YEARS, and I've gotten used to it. That is not the same as liking the process or succumbing to its painful realities, but it does show that, over time, you can develop some personal steel and drive to move forward regardless what life throws at you.
MSers who have had MS for a very long time... they've been "doing MS" for YEARS as well, and more or less, they have also gotten used to it, which is not the same as liking the process or succumbing to its painful realities... it DOES show they have developed their own personal steel and drive to move forward regardless what life has thrown at them.
Here are some things I've taught my clients in the past which are easy to apply (almost seamlessly) to the challenges MSers face every day.
1. Forget you have a belly button.
It's called navel gazing, and it's a kind of unhealthy focus on oneself to the point that you lose perspective. It happens A LOT in forums where everyone is complaining about their symptoms or side effects of medications or all the bazillion other problems that hitch a ride with an MS diagnosis.
Stop it. Stop going there. Staring at your problems makes them bigger; it doesn't make them go away. Take a week off from forums; you will be surprised at how much better you feel because, guess what? You aren't focusing on your pain or discomfort or the lousy other things that are part of living with a chronic disease.
When you choose to focus on other aspects of your life, you might not "forget" you have MS, but you will push its reality further back as you push forward your awareness of other GOOD things in life, such as beautiful weather, a great meal with your family, a fantastic movie, laughter with friends over coffee, a dip in the local pool for a therapy class.
Even the simple act of noticing all of the world outside yourself is becoming part of the larger world again. You can't notice it if you are staring at your belly button.
2. Cut some cords.
Along with this idea of looking outside yourself, I like to blend in the notion that we should actively choose who we spend our time and energy with and what we spend our time and energy on. Time to cut some cords, people!
For those people in your life who require too much emotional energy and who never reciprocate, snip snip snip! Stop calling them. Unfriend them on FB or block them. Don't accept their invitations. Be kind to them when you do see them, but let the cord out, looser and looser and mentally cut it when you are ready.
For those people in your life who you can't cut away because of work or family obligations, practice the fine art of feeling sorry for them because, frankly, if they are that hard to be around, it's because of some misery that has nothing to do with you, even if they project it on to you. Having compassion puts you on the high road, a much better place to be because you can live with yourself knowing you have shown love and empathy and kindness even to people who have been hurtful to you.
For those tasks in your life that take up too much time and energy and don't require that you be the only one doing them, snip snip snip! If it's a volunteer position, politely step away and help fill your shoes if possible. If it's a job you hate, try to find a new one while still employed, and give the professional two weeks' notice. If it's household chores, get help from family and friends or pay someone. If it's projects you once loved but don't really love anymore, or can't even do anymore, offload them to people with stronger interests.
For those tasks in your life you have to continue to perform because of family or work obligations, get some help, find some alternatives that free up your time and energy or reinvent your role so that you don't have to manage the same volume of task mastery.
All this to say that re-engaging in the larger world outside your own inner one should be energizing, motivating and inspiring. If people and tasks don't fit these qualities, lose them or remodel them on your own terms. Then you will have an easier time being part of the larger world, and that will go a long way toward making you a happier person even with MS on board.
Coming tomorrow: Part 2--Gratitude, going outside, the Paradoxical Commandments and the New You
