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| Degas -- "Tired Dancer" (1887) |
1. Woke up exhausted. Coffee and Modafinil and supplements which are supposed to improve mental clarity did not seem to break through the fog until about 8pm last night. Or maybe it was because I was at a holiday party and the room was full of energy and so my brain plugged into that. I felt like I was at my best at around 11pm.
2. Did my usual 2-egg breakfast and kefir before taking my meds. Diarrhea hit about 2 hours later, regardless. Is that the MS, or is that the medication? Inquiring minds want to know. This, by the way, is my daily reality. Will I spend the day on the couch? On the toilet? Will that 20-items-long To-Do List be vanquished or simply pushed to the next day due to symptoms or side effects? Will I be able to honor plan A today or will I have to elicit plan B or even an impromptu plan C? That, in and of itself, is exhausting to think about.
3. Anticipated an exhausting lunch date with the MIL. She is aggravating to be around and I find it harder and harder to be compassionate for her. Complaints about shortness of breath (due to COPD, due to chain smoking) and pain with mobility (due to extreme sedentary lifestyle) are what lie behind her realities. I wish I had those realities because then I could do something about them. Not so much with MS. Surprisingly, she seems to have woken up to certain realities about an accident she had last summer which resulted in her breaking her hip. I would say that's a good sign except that if she is going to be 100 percent she needs to quit smoking and get more exercise, neither which appear to be part of her 2014 New Year's Resolutions. But at least she didn't spend the day griping.
4. Ate a fabulous spinach salad for lunch, which I figured would help with the cog fog. Spinach is my superhero food, when in a pinch, it always works. Well. Nope. Not today.
5. Attended a holiday matinee performance with family and saw a number of friends. Once I saw my daughter perform, I was ready to go. This is the first time I've ever felt like this. Could it be that I'm just a burned out dance mom, or could it be that fatigue has become my new normal?
6. My two teenagers today made many bitchy demands and accusations following some social and mental juggling from me at the performance (probably why I never lifted out of my cog fog...), even after I just did a buttload of favors and errands for them. Shape your own response to that.
7. Went from the performance home to good news, but too tired to truly celebrate and appreciate it. Wanted to nap but couldn't. Too much stimulation around me, not enough opportunity to recharge.
8. Finally scraped myself up off the couch to get ready for the neighborhood White Elephant party. I tried on several outfits before landing on one that worked with flat shoes. High heels just mean my calves and feet will be all twisted and cramped up the next day. I need to be able to walk and I could do with a little less overall pain right now. A low-grade headache, neuropathy in my fingers, and a lot of back pain from overdoing spinal twists in yoga as well as sitting in horribly uncomfortable chairs means more pain relievers will probably enter my diet today. Oh, let's not forget, I got a wild hair on Friday and reconfigured my office furniture and now I have sore muscles in places where I forgot I had muscles.
9. Party was great fun, I was grateful for the energy and some friends of mine who I've felt have been a bit vacant lately were really attentive last night. I mostly didn't slur or stutter or fumble. I did have a lot of word recall problems. But I also laughed a lot. And I came home with a fab new blanket for my office.
10. Morning after, and I am mostly recovered. A little foggy right now, but I've already taken my Modafinil and haven't had breakfast yet. Just updated today's calendar of things to do... it's a bit heavy on the chores but there's also some time carved out for baking with my daughter. I hope she is in a better mood today. When they get into moods, that just hacks me off at the knees, energy wise. I'm soaking in some Verilux full-spectrum light rays right now to store up for yet another busy day.
