Thursday, March 27, 2014
National MS Awareness Month || ANNIVERSARY: Preliminary Diagnosis
One year ago today, I got a call from my primary care physician telling me that he and the radiologist concurred, that they examined my enhanced MRI and both agreed that I had evidence of lesions on my brain consistent with MS.
Multiple Sclerosis.
I was at a coffee house waiting for my mother in law to be finished with her hair appointment. I was doing homework and had to go outside to take the call because it's a known bad cell zone there. I saw my doc's phone number on the caller ID and left all my stuff at the bar, including my Kindle and my wallet. I couldn't get out of that noisy bar fast enough to hear what he had to say.
I remember my voice being high-pitched and overly loud when I said, upon hearing the news:
"O-o-o...K-a-a-a-y..."
When I'm nervous I laugh or chuckle. I didn't do either. Instead, I took a deep breath and said, "Well, at least it's not a tumor and it's not Parkinson's."
Which the doctor happily confirmed.
Please note, this was the date of my preliminary diagnosis; I still needed to go in for further tests to confirm their findings, so while I was confident that my docs were accurate, I still had a little tiny thread of hope in there that they might be wrong. But those clarifying diagnostic tests were yet weeks away. So... How did I respond in the meantime?
Relief. Finally. An answer.
Denial. Okay, maybe the next, more intense tests will be more conclusive and maybe they were wrong about those white spots on my brain after all.
Fear. Crap! What does this mean? Crap! Crap! Crap!
Resentment. Why now? I just made a huge career change! Now what do I do? Was all this for nothing?
Examination. How long have I had these symptoms? What clusters of symptoms do I remember? What can I find out about MS now, and will scrying WebMD via Google make any of it go away? (No.)
Preparation. Hmmm, time to re-examination the diet, exercise, sleep and other health patterns I control to see how well I can fight back. Because I'm not going to take this lying down.
Sadness. I don't wish I was in a wheelchair, but I do wish people understood that my brain is not working right and I can no longer be 100 percent the person I used to be, which was all intellectual and clever and such. My brain is WHO I AM. My mind is now a steel trap with a lotta holes in it. And that makes me want to cry because I'm a writer and a thinker and a speaker and a teacher and I need my brain to not turn into a sponge because then, WHO WILL I BECOME?
Acceptance. Fine. I have friends with MS, and they are doing okay. I can't change this reality. I can help myself to feel better and to keep the disease from progressing, but I can't make things better by sitting around all day gazing at my navel. I am better off focusing on what's working and what's sustaining me in life, not on the possibilities of what bad things could happen. No reason to curl up into a ball and stop living. I have a great job, a mostly supportive family, amazing friends and, what's that? Remission? Yes, by gum, I think I might be in remission! Count your blessings, wouldja?
Yeah. I lost some sleep, my appetite. I cried. I laughed and made jokes about it. I read WAY TOO MUCH on the Internet. I talked to my friends with MS. I began to interpret every little odd physical feeling as a major symptom. There were days when anxiety built up inside me so much that I couldn't take a full deep breath without thinking I might explode. Always, there was the stinging reality that I could die, not from MS, but like an AIDS patient, from complications of the disease.
And I developed what I call "diagnosis brain," which is kind of like pregnancy or cancer brain... you develop a sudden, irreconcilable awareness that your body is now on a different, one-way journey and there's no going back to that old normal. Suddenly I'm walking around in a new normal, which is not normal at all, but foreign. Think Dorothy and the Wizard of Oz.
Better yet... Did you see Gravity? I felt like I was out in space when I got my diagnosis, like Sandra Bullock, hooked up to a suit, breathing, watching everything stable around me break apart, but still having some hope that there were still anchors out there for me to latch on to. I just had to use everything in my possession to figure out how to do that, while not knowing about what other surprises lay in wait for me (good and bad).
I'm still not sure even this truly captures what it feels like to have diagnosis brain. I'm happy to say that I mostly don't have diagnosis brain a year later. And I'll talk more about that another time.
I'll end this passage saying just this: I am grateful it only took a couple of months to go from preliminary diagnosis to confirmed differential diagnosis. I have friends who are still trying to figure out what is wrong with them. Autoimmune disorders are like that: insidious mimics which are hard to capture in tests. I have two dear friends walking that path right now, and I ache for them, because at least my pathway from the old normal to the new normal was finite. That untethered, out-in-space feeling of limbo is nothing I care to endure again any time soon.
Wednesday, March 26, 2014
National Multiple Sclerosis Awareness Month || MS bloggers, a gallery
Here's a tribute to many (not all by any stretch!) of the bloggers, artists and imaginative others out there using the Internet to inspire others with MS... through their own creative pursuits, their research efforts, their personal stories. No one can say the information superhighway didn't bring about the possibility for infinite community, and the MS community is one such gift, filled with lovely, talented, generous and driven to make the world a better place regardless what challenges they face. My hats off to all y'all.
CLICK ON THE LINKS IN THE CAPTIONS TO GO TO THESE BLOGGERS' HOME PAGES. And tell 'em I sent ya!
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| From essayist Joan Wheeler at Disruptive Women in Healthcare || A Short in the Cord: A Retrospective on Living and Coping with Multiple Sclerosis |
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| "Attending BlogHer with a Disability" by Cathy Chester, from the blog, An Empowered Spirit |
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| "69th St. Transfer Bridge." From the blog, Wheelchair Kamikaze |
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| From the blog, My New Normals |
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| From blogger Matt Cavallo |
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| From the blog, The Lesion Journals |
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| From the blog, Brass and Ivory: Living with MS & RA |
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| "Freedom" by Cathy Aten, from the blog, Living Undone |
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| From the blog, Kaleidoscope Muff |
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| From the blog, Navigating the Journey of MS |
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| From the blog, Living! with MS |
Tuesday, March 25, 2014
National Multiple Sclerosis Awareness Month || Remyelination, or filling in potholes
A cure for MS isn't anywhere near a reality, just like there is no cure for the expanding and contracting road surfaces in places like Chicago where the weather endures so many extremes. However, in Chicago, they don't just let the craters takes over... they fill in their potholes.
What about me? Can I fill in my potholes? (And I don't mean by inhaling Superglue or peanut butter or Spackle or asphalt.)
There's a physiological process that occurs during MS called demyelination. It's the response of the nervous system being attacked by the immune system. The outcome? Holes in the fatty coating around our nerves.
Potholes.
There's another physiological process that all human brains can perform to a certain extent: remyelination. This is where brain hires its own road crew to go in a fill in those potholes from time to time. The human body is quite remarkable in the myriad ways it fixes itself or compensates when parts are broken, eh?
Even within the brains of MSers you can find some capacity for the brain to fill in its potholes. Part of the strategy for using Disease Modifying Therapies (DMTs) is to give the brain and body a chance to go into remission so the brain and body can send out its repair crews. However, if we're in a constant state of inflammation (part of the experience of relapsing), that's more or less like the weather being too extreme to commence pothole filling. The work has to wait until the climate improves.
What if we could fill actual potholes in actual roads regardless of the weather? Wouldn't that be awesome?
A miracle?
And what if... what if our brains could do the same kind of metaphoric repairs regardless of our condition (relapse v. remit)? Wouldn't that be awesome? A miracle?
Common sense tells me that would be ALMOST as good as a cure.
Guess what? Chicago's roads aren't going to have any miracles for pothole filling any time soon... BUT:
MSers! There's a bunch of research out there suggesting it could be possible for us to remyelinate! Here are ten links to ponder. Some are research studies, others are press releases or articles or abstracts. What they are all pointing to is research that could pave the way (pun intended) to brain injury repair, not only for MSers for for anyone who has suffered neurological damage and could use some patching up. Stay tuned!
3.18.2014 -- Science Daily
Stem cells from muscle can repair nerve damage after injury
2.9.2014 -- MedicalNews.Net
Researchers identify protein that promotes growth of brain cells damaged by MS
n.d., 2014 -- Mayo Clinic Laboratories: Multiple Sclerosis
Immune Promotion of Remyelination Optimization of Antibody Enhanced Remyelination
n.d., 2014 -- Myelin Repair Foundation
MRF-008: Potential MS Drug to Protect and Repair Myelin
11.2013 -- National Institutes of Health
Promoting Remyelination in Multiple Sclerosis—Recent Advances
9.2013 -- National Multiple Sclerosis Society
Cutting-edge brain science by UCSF researcher wins first Barancik Prize for Innovation in MS Research
7.2013 -- EuroStemCell.org
New strategy for brain repair in multiple sclerosis
4.2013 -- MedicalNews.Net
Phase 1 clinical study of rHIgM22 initiated for treatment of multiple sclerosis
10.2012 -- Brain: A Journal of Neurology
Targeting ASIC1 in primary progressive multiple sclerosis: evidence of neuroprotection with amiloride
8.2012 -- Multiple Sclerosis Trust || MRC Centre for Regenerative Medicine, University of Edinburgh
Remyelination in MS
Monday, March 24, 2014
National Multiple Sclerosis Awareness Month || Movies and TV depicting MS
You can find several movies and television programs with include characters with MS or which address the challenges of those living with MS. Check out the list below:
MOVIES
A Dream Is a Wish Your Heart Makes: The Annette Funicello Story (1995 TV Movie)
Duet for One (1986)
Eden (1996)
Edie & Thea: A Very Long Engagement (2009 documentary)
Freak City (1999 TV Movie)
Go Now (1995)
Guru (2007)
Hilary and Jackie (1998)
In Sickness and in Health (1992 TV Movie)
Swim Lessons: The Nick Irons Story (2008 documentary)
When I Walk (2013 documentary)
TV
Chicago Hope (1996)
Episode: "The Stand" (features real-life MSer Richard Pryor).
Forever Knight (1995)
Episode: "Blind Faith"
Law & Order
Lead character, Rey Curtis, played by Benjamin Bratt, is married to an MSer.
West Wing
Lead character, President Bartlett, played by Martin Sheen, hides MS, then comes out about his condition.
Sunday, March 23, 2014
National MS Awareness Month || On pill popping, divisive diets, pharmacy salad and the potential for snake oil
On the one edge, I've been disparaged by perfect strangers for being a "pill popper" (their term). On the other edge, because there are so few treatments, having a chronic incurable condition like MS requires that you do everything you can to help yourself, and that means often taking risks. Damned if you do; damned if you don't.
On being a Pill Popper
I take a crazy amount of meds everyday (maybe as many as 21 different ones). Here's how it breaks down:
Prescriptions: 8 (some twice a day, some once a day, some as needed)
Why do I take these?
1 is a Disease Modifying Therapy (DMT) for MS
4 are for nonMS health concerns or maintenance
2 are to mitigate MS symptoms
1 is to relieve side effects caused by the DMT
OTC medications: 3 (as needed)
Why do I take these?
All to relieve side effects caused by the DMT
Vitamins and Minerals: 4 (some twice a day, some once a day)
Why do I take these?
2 are for general health
2 are said to help relieve MS symptoms
Probiotic: 1 (twice a day)
Why do I take these?
To relieve side effects caused by the DMT
Supplements: 5 (some twice a day, some once a day)
Why do I take these?
2 are said to help relieve inflammation
2 are said to help with energy metabolism
1 is said to help with focus and clarity
Of all of these, only one of them is considered a "black box" medication, meaning it has the potential for high-risk side effects. Fortunately, I don't have those side effects and can't, in fact, function without this life-saving medicine. And my liver tolerates it just fine (same with my DMT).
Note that, without MS, I wouldn't be taking as many as 21 different pills a day, I would be taking as many as 6. That's the difference between a snack and a meal, folks. (Yes, please laugh, I'm trying to be funny here!)
If I were of the traditional only approach to treating my MS, I would not be taking any of the supplements. But I am of the ilk who likes the idea of fighting a war with all the weapons I have at my disposal, so I take supplements as well, as part of what is called a complementary therapies approach to MS.
There are some people who only do the complementary therapies approach. If I were to do this, I would be taking only my nonMS prescriptions, plus vitamins, minerals, probiotics and supplements, ringing in at 14 meds a day.
I'm running a numbers game here to show you that there really isn't a good argument for going with either traditional only or complementary only, if you are trying to avoid popping pills. If you're going to take 14 meds a day in the complementary approach, it's not that big a stretch to add the 7 others to my daily "pharmacy salad," as I like to call it.
This is a matter of contention between MSers, which is why I bring it up at all.
Using or not using medications to support management of disease progression or treat and relieve symptoms is a highly personal decision. I know people who take many, many more pills than I do. And I know a few who don't take any. And comparing oneself to any of these people in terms of outcome is about as useful as comparing apples to oranges to bananas to grapes because MS affects us all so very differently.
Still, people will impose their views (and I suppose I'm doing the same just by posting this blog entry) and these views will make others fearful or less confident in their choices... or downright defensive.
Allow me, at this juncture, to return to the "Pill Popper" expression...
I recently ran across a grocery checker who was trying to talk a shopper out of buying a supplement and, instead, save some money and buy a similar item from the produce department. "You don't need these," she said with such a cavalier attitude, leaving the shopper embarrassed and speechless and on the spot. "You don't need to be a pill popper." (They bought the supplement anyway. Good on them.)
So riddle me this... is someone who takes medications and/or supplements, for their own well being, now considered a "pill popper?" I've always thought the term to be disparaging and referential to people using illicit drugs like bennies or Quaaludes or any other class of junkie throwbacks from the 70s.
Okay, well, guess what? If that's the case... I'm a pill popper. And I don't think that's a bad thing.
Back to the checker: I tried, tactfully, to turn that dialog around when she started checking my groceries and was still talking about how people really don't need drugs, they just need to eat right. As if by eating fruits and vegetables, all disease could be prevented and/or cured.
Really? If that were the case, there would be no disease in the world. Right?
Sigh.
When I told her that I have a lifelong incurable chronic neurological condition that does not have a metabolic component, and can't be treated by diet alone, and when I explained to her that I know people who are lifelong vegans who still share my condition, and that we all MUST take pills in order to just function normally every day, she was the one left speechless and on the spot. I don't think I embarrassed her, I think I got her to pause and think about what she had said. Or, if I did embarrass her, I didn't mean to. She was gracious and said something to the effect that, "Oh, I never thought about that."
It's so important for people in our lives, even strangers, to stop assuming that every health issue out there is caused by some bad dietary habit we put upon ourselves, that somehow our lifestyle itself is the root cause of our own problems. I didn't ask for MS. I didn't do anything to give myself MS. I eat pretty healthfully, live a pretty healthy lifestyle. IT'S NOT MY FAULT.
Nobody ever thinks about the fact that disease is caused by more than just shoddy lifestyle choices. We have had the diet and exercise regimen crammed into our collective psyche for so long that we've stopped understanding how disease works, that you can be healthy and do ALL THE RIGHT THINGS then, WHAM, still get hit with a heart attack or an incurable illness or cancer. I know people who fit all three categories. They would be really pissed to hear anyone blame them for their health problems. Let's stop blaming victims, shall we?
I do not think it is useful or even advisable to avoid taking medications (prescribed or otherwise) if you have MS; those in my life who I know personally and who decided to "go natural" are now crying regret, rolling around in wheelchairs; they cannot hope to reverse their progression because their condition has worsened beyond their somewhat treatable, manageable RRMS to a more severe condition that has absolutely no treatment. I don't know anyone, personally, who is doing better without medications (in terms of disease progression). So I'm probably biased. But I've heard more cautionary tales from people who opted out and are paying a price for it now than from people who chose to use DMTs and whose choice made their disease progression worse. Symptoms and side effects might be intolerable for some, but no DMT is going to worsen your disease. It'll simply not work.
People will go the natural route because they have distrust of the medical establishment. Most of the time, this is caused by a general lack of health literacy and understanding of the complex system that is Western medicine. Often it's compounded by the ginormous volume of misinformation out there on the web, and our equally ginormous FAIL at media literacy to parse the good info from the bad.
Going back to my numbers, if I take 21 different meds a day, I can be (and have been) ridiculed by my own "natural" peers for being a pill popper. Except that they, too, are pill poppers, the difference being that insurance doesn't cover their cures, so they likely pay a whopping lot more for their meds than I do.
See how it can get ugly? And it does, trust me. The forums abound with ugly one-upmanship and competitive judgmentalism instead of being the support groups they were intended to be.
I'm a live and let live kinda gal. If you want to not take any meds at all and just smoke or consume marijuana for the rest of your life (that's an entirely separate contingent of MSers out there), feel free. Wanna take uber-strong doses of vitamin D and DHA? Go for it. If you want to cut all the dairy out of your diet, fine. But don't tell me my choices are wrong or call me a "pill popper." Just don't. It doesn't advance anything except division in a community that should be all about unity.
About that Pharmacy Salad...
Supplements are drugs. No two ways about it. They are drugs which are not approved by the FDA as drugs, so claims about them cannot be held up by the FDA, either. This is why they are rarely, if ever, covered by insurance payers. Many supplements are also food products, like garlic or turmeric, for instance. But other supplements come from unexpected places, like bee sting therapy and compounds derived from Chinese hamster ovaries. Each separate supplement has its body of evidence (clinical and/or anecdotal) that can show both the promise and the pitfalls of using it in a therapeutic course.
I choose supplements based on my own ability to research not only their benefits, but their side effects and potential interactions with other medications. My neuro and PCP both have a list of the supplements I take and neither of them is set against any of them, based on what we all understand about their properties. So, despite the arguments made by "natural" MSers, medical professionals are not hands-down AGAINST using supplements. What they want is for their patients to be smart about what they choose to take or do to fight their MS.
On the Divisiveness of Diets
There's another faction of do-gooders who insist that eating a Paleo or Vegan or Swank or other restrictive diet will cure MS. Yes, I said it. CURE. They are sure of it because it makes them feel better.
Um, yeah. Eating better will always make you feel better, whether you have MS or a runny nose.
I have a naturopath on my team and he bristles at the notion of a detox or restrictive diet as a road to a cure. He basically said this on the subject (my paraphrase) at a recent newly diagnosed MS seminar: All that detox or restrictive diets do is stir up all the muck and toxins you have been carrying around for years, which are probably harmless in their current state, that is, until you decide to do the deep cleanse. And then all that muck gets reintroduced into the system--the lymph, the bloodstream--and causes new symptoms which can lead to the patient feeling sicker than ever.
People, we are not cars... an oil change is not going to fix our MS.
Yet the headlines out there on the Internet point to specific diets as being cures for MS. For some, going on a healthy diet has been a wonderful help, to be sure. But dietary choices do not impact disease progression, they only impact the severity of the symptoms you have. You can have MS and NOT have symptoms. The disease is quiet that way. If you're feeling good, then all the more power to you! You are probably in remission because that's how RRMS works. If you never remit, then you probably have something more severe. But people with RRMS do, in fact, have remissions. We cannot presume that just because we are in remission and feeling better we are cured, especially by means of a diet. Tests on a diagnosed MS will always show the presence of lesions or oligoclonal bands in the CSF. Sorry, I wish the news was better, but that is the reality.
There is no cure for MS.
The other reality is that there isn't a single diet out there that has been proven to be a workable treatment for MS. This resides in the fact that there will likely NEVER be long-range studies on large MS populations with regard for diet because they are too difficult to control. A short-range diet of 2-3 months for a limited population might uncover some suggestion of evidence, but you really can't then take that same experiment, put 10,000 people on it for 4+ years, and expect 100 percent compliance from the patients.
So, sure, yes, eat your veggies, eat your fresh fruit and your very lean meat and whole grains and beans and organics and stay away from all that processed crap (anything that comes in a box, a jar or a bag and has a bunch of other ingredients besides real food in it). That is called a Whole Foods Diet, and you know what? It's good for everybody, not just MSers, it's easy to do and you don't have to starve to feel better.
But if you want to go further than that, if you want to start throwing out the gluten arbitrarily, for instance... or if you start fasting for a week, or if you start cutting out dairy or meat with no guidance from a naturopath or a nutritionist... be prepared to muck around with something you don't understand. And be prepared to give up after a few months because, frankly, most of those diets are unsustainable and unaffordable. (I had to let my practical self in on this part of the conversation.)
Welcome the Snake Oil Salesman
The problem is really one of health literacy.
Eighty percent of people who visit the doctor's office will forget EVERYTHING their doctor told them, ten minutes after leaving the appointment. Of the remaining 20 percent, half will remember it WRONG. Only ten percent of ALL PATIENTS will do what they are supposed to do following a doctor's appointment. These are not stupid people, mind you. This large category (80 percent!) of the population is educated, makes money, lives in a decent house, eats three meals a day and sleeps in a bed. We are not talking about homeless people, or those with mental illness or those who are functionally illiterate here.
We are talking about... well... YOU, in all likelihood.
Instead, people like YOU (this could describe YOU) will go home, look things up on the Internet, find claims that promise to fix certain health concerns, get advice NOT from a medical professional but from some forum somewhere or in Facebook where NOBODY is more invested in your health than YOU. And YOU will encounter very nice-looking websites that show how the medical community is broken and poisoned and that, surprise!, the natural community (or the Bee Stings for Life community, or the MMJ community, or the Paleo community, etc.) has every answer YOU will ever need for curing what ails YOU. And YOU will say, hmmm, maybe my doctor is wrong, because who wants to deal with a diagnosis like MS? It might be better to deny the diagnosis entirely, follow a different path, with all these other people who claim their natural wisdom has cured them. Thousands of other people, all of them perfect strangers with no medical background whatsoever, people who are just words on a screen, actually... they can't be wrong... Right?
Please don't read that last paragraph and think I'm against complementary therapies. Obviously I support the notion of supplements as a potentially helpful approach to treating MS; I use them myself. I also subscribe to the practice of yoga and meditation as a means for stress relief and wellness. I also think drinking water is healthy, as is regular exercise.
What I'm against are all the claims made--without any clinical evidence at any scale--that say YOU will be cured. It's one thing to say, "hey, eat lots of kale and mustard greens, it will help YOU feel better." It's another thing to say that eating lots of kale and mustard greens will cure YOU.
So please, people, be wary of promises and language that sells the idea of a cure, especially when the same language has nothing positive to say about modern medicine. You have entered a different kind of marketplace then, where other people are going to tell you that pharmaceutical companies and doctors are making a fortune off your illness while, at the same time, trying to collect your consumer dollar by selling you something that has less than (or zero) the clinical proof of concept that at least modern medicine CAN offer.
Don't buy into the snake oil out there promoting cures for ANYTHING. Any yahoo can build a beautiful website and hire a persuasive writer to sell you a gorgeous bill of goods. It's up to you to demand the proof, though, and that means entering every adventure into complementary medicine with a very healthy dose of skepticism. Demand clinical proof; ask to see tests that have replicated the results time and again; demand to know who is paying for the tests to uncover their biases; don't accept just one small experiment with 5 people. Read BEYOND HEADLINES about what others have to say about the up and down sides of a given complementary therapy. Look at product reviews in Amazon, even.
For instance, I thought kombucha would be a good way to go, but then I read a lot about what kombucha actually does, and what it can do to someone with MS, and how this can actually really mess with body processes in someone with MS, and I decided No thank you to kombucha. My decision. I know others with MS who welcome kombucha as a treatment. Their decision. Not a risk I want to take.
Ultimately, what you do about your health is always going to boil down to you making an informed choice. Be skeptical, not only about complementary treatments, but about pharmacological ones. Ask questions of everyone, including your doctors. Demand answers. Don't be satisfied with the answers until you feel confident you understand the science behind them and feel satisfied you know enough. (Though frankly, you may never know enough. Be prepared for that, too.)
This is your health and your life; though you may not be able to cure yourself of MS, you can certainly grab the wheel and steer your boat to the right course. It really is YOU who is in charge of navigating your own health, after all. It is not fated to reside in one doctor's hands. In fact, it should NEVER be left up to one doctor: it should begin with you and expand out to a team of experts and an even larger support system.
Last word of advice: don't make your decisions based on shame (don't be a "pill popper") or fear ("that shit will kill you!") or ignorance ("don't you know anything about DMTs?"), because if you do, you run the risk of sinking your own ship when all you needed to do was plug a hole in the ballast.
Saturday, March 22, 2014
National MS Awareness Month || Fear of Hypochondria
There's a little worm that nestles into the back of your brain when you're faced with a potential diagnosis of MS or other autoimmune disorder. The worm's name is:
HYPOCHONDRIA
When I saw my doc about a year ago and asked him to take a look at these seemingly unrelated symptoms, which I felt embarrassed to even share, I told him: "I'm hoping you'll come back with a diagnosis of Hypochondria."
chuckle chuckle... wink wink.. nudge nudge...
But he took me seriously, bless his heart. I'm not one who steps into the clinic more than once a year for my annual exams and, maybe, a flu shot. He knew that I was there because SOMETHING WAS WRONG that I couldn't put my finger on.
He'd had a recent encounter with that same experience himself, so I suppose that's part of the reason why he was so supportive and sensitive. After NOT BEING HIMSELF for a few months, he took matters into his own hands, found out he had cancer, ended up in brain surgery, and is now, almost 4 years later, back to himself. Probably an even better version of himself.
So he knows what it feels like to have random symptoms that, by themselves, don't seem to amount to anything. But when they cluster together and simple daily things like, heck, going to the bathroom, are suddenly not going the way they've been going your whole life, ya gotta wonder...
I found out recently that my husband thought I was a hypochondriac before my diagnosis. Maybe for a while now. Part of me was like: yep. Of course he did, I had all these bizarre things going on with no simple explanation. This is why, in fact, many of us MSers are so freakin' relieved when we get a diagnosis... it means we aren't hypochondriacs, it's not in our heads (though, well, yes, it is! LOL), and there's objective scientific data in multiple testing that show the presence of a real disease.
But part of me was hurt to know this, though I always sensed his skepticism. How could he think I was imagining this? It makes me wonder if he thinks I'm some sort of psycho wingnut. Seriously.
And part of me was grateful that, until now, he'd not said anything about this. Not out loud. That would have been awful.
So many of my MS peers are faced with accusations that they are hypochondriacs, not only from their spouses and children and parents and other loved ones, but from their employers, EVEN THEIR DOCTORS in the face of objective data showing otherwise.
No wonder people wait to get a diagnosis when the symptoms aren't alarmingly obvious like, say, a giant festering skin cancer or a heart attack.
I waited. Yep. I was having parasthesias sweeping across my legs about 12 years ago. I was also experiencing leg tremors at about the same time, and endless bouts of fatigue. I totally remember this and thinking, Oh crap, I must be getting Parkinson's or something. But I *didn't* go to the doctor because, guess what? In my mind, I'm also thinking, Parkinson's is an old person's disease. I'm still in my 30s. If I go to see the doctor, my family, my husband, my doctor will all THINK I'M A HYPOCHONDRIAC.
So I waited a dozen years, which probably just progressed my disease state without treatment, silently, until about a year ago. If I *had* gone in, I would have probably been diagnosed and treated.
But I didn't.
[WARNING: RANT ENCLOSED. You know what? This is not a problem for me, caused by me. This is a problem that comes from within our society. We need to stop being so mean and judgmental and dispassionate about each other. Yeah, Society. I'm lookin' at you. When y'all are out passing judgment on others for no good reason whatsoever, you contribute to this fear that keeps people from truly doing the right thing. Society, you want to do the right thing? Be compassionate, for crying out loud. And stop making people feel afraid to do the right thing! RANT OVER.]
It's not altogether useful to go into this IF ONLY practice (IF ONLY I had seen the doctor 12 years ago, as a for instance), because you can't move forward while living in the past and thinking about what you coulda-shoulda. That's not productive and can only make you angry or depressed. No point in going there. But if you or a loved one are putting off going to the doctor because of a range of unusual and seemingly unrelated symptoms because you are AFRAID TO BE DIAGNOSED AS A HYPOCHONDRIAC, you would be in good company.
Nobody thinks random jaw pain will lead to a potential heart attack, but this is, in fact, what happened to a loved one of mine who, thank goodness, went to the doctor anyway and ended up in the hospital with a triple bypass that likely saved his young life.
Let's face it, you would be grateful for any diagnosis wherein the outcome is LIVING. You can treat, heal from and cure hypochondria. MS? An acute heart attack? Notsomuch.
Here are some links to others' stories who've dealt with the fear of being labeled a hypochondriac. All of their stories resonate with me and point to a greater need for health literacy in our society as well as more self-empowerment and overall compassion. We can't win the fight against any disease if we let fear take the reins or if we don't acknowledge real disease in the first place.
3. "Hypochondriac": The Most Painful Word In Pre-Diagnosed Primary Immune and Other Rare Diseases
4. JUST FOR GRINS: It's really difficult to get an MS diagnosis for some people. Read This Story. My DX only took a few weeks and one team. But apparently my story is unusual; the women in the story at the link seems to have a story more akin to the reality of diagnosing MS. You're going to be appalled, just sayin'.
4. JUST FOR GRINS: It's really difficult to get an MS diagnosis for some people. Read This Story. My DX only took a few weeks and one team. But apparently my story is unusual; the women in the story at the link seems to have a story more akin to the reality of diagnosing MS. You're going to be appalled, just sayin'.
PS My husband doesn't know this blog exists. In case you were wondering.
Friday, March 21, 2014
National MS Awareness Month || Begging...pleading... Join me for the local and/or Seattle MS Walk!
Remember the phrase, "Fire, Walk With Me," from Twin Peaks?
Through the darkness of future past,
The magician longs to see
Once chants out between two worlds:
Fire, walk with me.
It has crept back into my memory as I walk this new MS path. Fire, of course, is orange, the color of the MS Awareness campaign. Fire could be thought of as representing a number of things: the inflammation in my brain, the fire that comes from the solar plexus chakra which is all about creation and drive to charge ahead, the literal fire one feels while taking DMTs for their MS. It makes sense that it should be the slogan for my first MS Walk in which I play, not a participant supporter and fundraiser, but an actual MSer.
I've walked twice, previously, for my friend JS in Seattle after her diagnosis. This year I'll walk in my own community with a team that is already composed of some people I already know, so that will be fun. I made myself a family t-shirt this year with this new slogan just because.
But then my excitement about the event was dampened by the fact that my whole family probably can't walk with me.
It turns out that my youngest is in a dance recital that entire weekend and my oldest may not be able to make the local walk (I still plan to do both the local walk and the Seattle walk this year), so it'll just be me and my husband and however many friends I can get to walk along with me.I still haven't found a team in Seattle, but I think Virginia Mason might have one I could join. UPDATE: I've joined the Benaroya Research Institue team, located here.
It's funny, right as I sit and write this I wonder if I'm putting too much energy into it. Part of me is all "nobody is going to come join your walk or wear your t-shirt" and part of me is all "you have to do this even if you walk alone."
But I don't want to walk alone. And I don't want it to only be my husband and my maybe daughter. I love them bunches but, let's just say it out loud: I'm the cheerleader in the family. I know if I walk only with them I will feel like I forced them to do something they don't really want to do (or have time to do). I might actually feel more alone walking with them. I know, that seems terrible, but I'm a realist. They just aren't into these things.
So... will you? Will you walk with me? With us?
DETAILS
BAINBRIDGE ISLAND MS WALK (TEAM || ROCK WALKERS)
Date: Saturday, April 12, 2014
Location: Starts at BHS and going through Winslow, as I recall (map online is not working)
Address: 9330 NE High School Rd, Bainbridge Island, Washington (BHS)
Site Opens: 9:00 a.m. - 1:00 p.m.
Opening Ceremony: 9:45 a.m.
Route: 2.5 miles
SEATTLE MS WALK (TEAM || BENAROYA RESEARCH INSTITUTE)
Date: Sunday, April 13, 2014
Location: University of Washington campus, Burke-Gilman Trail
Address: 3870 Montlake Blvd NE, Seattle, Washington
Opening Ceremony: 9:45 a.m.
Route: 4 miles
Links
Here's the link to the local team, the Rock Walkers. Go there, read the stuff there, click on Join Our Team or Donate to Walk MS. And here's the link to the Seattle Benaroya Institute Team. OR... you could go to my local personal page or to my Seattle Walk page to read what I have to say about the local MS Walk here and either Donate To Me or Join My Team.
I hope to nab a few friends to put in some time walking. It's so much fun and the weather is always nice. Donate or not at your discretion. I'm less about fundraising this year and more about teambuilding and building my support network. And heck, the more the merrier! So please consider helping a friend out so she doesn't have to walk alone, with the fire.
Through the darkness of future past,
The magician longs to see
Once chants out between two worlds:
Fire, walk with me.
It has crept back into my memory as I walk this new MS path. Fire, of course, is orange, the color of the MS Awareness campaign. Fire could be thought of as representing a number of things: the inflammation in my brain, the fire that comes from the solar plexus chakra which is all about creation and drive to charge ahead, the literal fire one feels while taking DMTs for their MS. It makes sense that it should be the slogan for my first MS Walk in which I play, not a participant supporter and fundraiser, but an actual MSer.
I've walked twice, previously, for my friend JS in Seattle after her diagnosis. This year I'll walk in my own community with a team that is already composed of some people I already know, so that will be fun. I made myself a family t-shirt this year with this new slogan just because.But then my excitement about the event was dampened by the fact that my whole family probably can't walk with me.
It turns out that my youngest is in a dance recital that entire weekend and my oldest may not be able to make the local walk (I still plan to do both the local walk and the Seattle walk this year), so it'll just be me and my husband and however many friends I can get to walk along with me.
It's funny, right as I sit and write this I wonder if I'm putting too much energy into it. Part of me is all "nobody is going to come join your walk or wear your t-shirt" and part of me is all "you have to do this even if you walk alone."
But I don't want to walk alone. And I don't want it to only be my husband and my maybe daughter. I love them bunches but, let's just say it out loud: I'm the cheerleader in the family. I know if I walk only with them I will feel like I forced them to do something they don't really want to do (or have time to do). I might actually feel more alone walking with them. I know, that seems terrible, but I'm a realist. They just aren't into these things.
So... will you? Will you walk with me? With us?
DETAILS
BAINBRIDGE ISLAND MS WALK (TEAM || ROCK WALKERS)
Date: Saturday, April 12, 2014
Location: Starts at BHS and going through Winslow, as I recall (map online is not working)
Address: 9330 NE High School Rd, Bainbridge Island, Washington (BHS)
Site Opens: 9:00 a.m. - 1:00 p.m.
Opening Ceremony: 9:45 a.m.
Route: 2.5 miles
SEATTLE MS WALK (TEAM || BENAROYA RESEARCH INSTITUTE)
Date: Sunday, April 13, 2014
Location: University of Washington campus, Burke-Gilman Trail
Address: 3870 Montlake Blvd NE, Seattle, Washington
Opening Ceremony: 9:45 a.m.
Route: 4 miles
Links
Here's the link to the local team, the Rock Walkers. Go there, read the stuff there, click on Join Our Team or Donate to Walk MS. And here's the link to the Seattle Benaroya Institute Team. OR... you could go to my local personal page or to my Seattle Walk page to read what I have to say about the local MS Walk here and either Donate To Me or Join My Team.
I hope to nab a few friends to put in some time walking. It's so much fun and the weather is always nice. Donate or not at your discretion. I'm less about fundraising this year and more about teambuilding and building my support network. And heck, the more the merrier! So please consider helping a friend out so she doesn't have to walk alone, with the fire.
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